It Feels SO Scary Getting Old

As long as I can remember, I’ve always been preoccupied with the future. It’s only recently that I’ve realised I’ve never truly lived in the present moment, forever yearning for the next chapter. I make mood boards, manifest, and constantly plan ahead, perhaps to avoid confronting the dilemmas of my current life. During my teenage years, I felt awkward and out of place, doing things I didn’t want to do just to fit in and maintain friendships. Yet, I find some comfort in knowing that everyone I talk to feels much the same. Throughout school, I dreamt of attending university, moving out, and leaving the small island I had called home. I couldn’t wait to leave behind the life I knew and experience something new.

Now that I’m approaching the age I once longed for, I don’t feel quite as old as I imagined I would. I don’t feel ready, and I certainly don’t have everything figured out. I’m uncertain of what’s ahead, and at times it feels as though everyone around me is moving forward while I’m still trying to figure out my next step. I don’t quite know what I want to do or be. Some days I dream of being a journalist, other days a teacher, a lawyer, or an author. I want to work in fashion, music, photography, and art. I want to live abroad; I want to stay at home. I want to read every book, visit every country, and taste every type of cuisine. My dreams are capricious, and I’m chasing more than one. I don’t know what the world holds for me, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s something big. And as I reflect on it, I realise that, deep down, no one really knows what will happen to them either.

I feel as though I’m at a metaphorical crossroads - more like myself than ever, yet not quite ready to fully commit to who I am just yet. I’ve decided that’s okay. All I know is that I want to be happy wherever I end up, surrounded by people who challenge me. Though this uncertainty is unnerving, I’ve chosen to embrace it. I’ll never be as young as I am in this moment, and that’s a rather exciting thought. I have so many years ahead of me, so now is the time to wear that hideous outfit, book that trip, and drink far too much with my friends on a random Wednesday.

Because, you see, I’ve realised that I can’t escape the present by constantly dreaming of the future - it’s quite the waste of time. The future will always be there, or perhaps it won’t, but I can’t control it or dictate its course. So maybe it’s time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride - after all, it's rather foolish to rush what’s already unfolding.

©Canva